The Death of Common Courtesy

An incident ocurred to me about a year and a half ago. I wrote about it with the intent to make a submission to our local paper. I never submitted it.  However, my wife has urged me to publish it somewhere anyway. She thought it was pretty good writing.  So here for all the world to read (at least all two of my readers) is my belated article.

Friend found dead in hospital parking lot

It was a cold and snowy Friday night, December 19, 2008 at the Mountain West Medical Center in Tooele. An unsuspecting bystander sat shivering in the cold parking lot behind the Intensive Care Unit. Suddenly there was a flash of headlights and the crunch of metal and glass. It was unclear what happened. Perhaps there was a failure to check a blind spot in a foggy window. More likely, the thin sheet of ice on the parking lot created an unavoidable slide into the rear end of a parked vehicle. Whatever the cause, the bystander never knew what hit him…because the driver of the other vehicle disappeared into the night, never to be heard from again.

Meanwhile, the injured bystander lay gasping in the parking lot, praying for someone to rescue him. He lay only yards from discovery and help. His friend—an ICU nurse called in at the last minute to help with a staff shortage— was just inside the building caring for severely ill patients who would have rather been spending this holiday season in the warmth of their own homes and the comfort of their families. The nurse was unaware that his friend lay injured and freezing out in the parking lot. It was not until morning that the news of the accident reached the nurse.

At first, the news was only disappointing; it seemed that the tail light and rear fender of the nurse’s car had been smashed. It was an aging car that was in need of repair anyway. Perhaps it was not worth getting upset over. But, then came the news of the nurse’s friend. It seems that the person responsible for the accident had fled the scene and that no one discovered the victim until it was too late. Then disappointment turned to grief and mourning. The nurse’s friend, Common Courtesy, had bled, suffocated and succumbed to death. It was a needless death which could have been prevented by a little courage to speak up.

This is a true story. It is a story that is played out every day all over the world with increasing frequency. I mourn the loss of my friend (yes, I was the unfortunate nurse). I mourn the state of mankind that is worsened by this type of behavior. The loss is particularly poignant at this time of year when we all seem to preach and hope for more “peace on earth and good will toward men.” If our hearts are so full of good will why do we continue push, shove and growl at each other in the shopping lines? Why do we hurt each other and refuse to take responsibility?

Unfortunately, there is a cycle of action and reaction that is largely responsible for the death of Common Courtesy and other such social values. It is a cycle that is driven by fear, greed, anger and pride. The cycle often plays out something like this:

Mr. Smith accidently smashes into Mr. Jones’ parked car. Mr. Smith experiences fear of the repercussions of this event (i.e., the cost to repair the damage, possible civil/criminal consequences, increased insurance costs, a possible angry reaction from Mr. Jones). He may also feel embarrassed, because he believes he is a better driver and should have been able to avoid the accident. He does not want to admit failure or weakness. Fortunately, no one saw him do it, so if he just leaves and says nothing he can avoid having to face his fears and swallow his pride. Of course, Mr. Smith is a generally decent person, but the pain and sacrifice of having to confess and make reparations seems to be far worse than the small guilt he will feel for just walking away. A thousand justifications come to mind to soothe his conscience and tell him it will be okay if he just leaves and tells no one—so he does.

Later, Mr. Jones comes out and discovers his damaged car and is incensed because of the loss, which is now compounded by the fact that the culprit is not available to mete out justice upon. “If I could get my hands on whoever did this,” he thinks, “I would wring every last penny (and then some) out of them to pay for this damage! That would teach him to hit and run! If it were me, I would at least have the decency to take responsibility.” He then goes away fuming, and spouting to all who will listen how wronged he has been and how he will ensure that justice is served if ever he has chance to face the perpetrator.

For the sake of discussion, let’s say that Mr. Smith’s conscience won out and he sought out and reported the accident to Mr. Jones. To his surprise Mr. Jones rakes him over the coals and demands that he pay for the full repair of the car or he will sue him for damages and punishment. Mr. Smith is truly sorry, but is now facing what he feared would happen. He was just laid off and doesn’t have sufficient cash or insurance to cover the immediate repair of the car. He pleads for understanding but finds none and is forced to come up with some way to pay the price for his mistake. He leaves the confrontation devastated, but also angry that Mr. Jones could be so cruel and unsympathetic towards his circumstance. “How can this be fair,” he questions? “No one saw me. I should have just left and spared myself the pain and embarrassment. Next time, I will.”

And thus it goes day in and day out. Increasingly, the thoughtless and dishonest Mr. Smiths victimize the unfortunate Mr. Joneses. In turn the self-serving, angry Mr. Joneses punish the remorseful and well-meaning Mr. Smiths. The result of this cycle is the death of virtues that were once said to be “common”. Virtues like courtesy, sense, decency and integrity. Our litigious and self-serving society seems so busy demanding justice, individual rights and fairness that we find ourselves blindly rewarding the selfish, prideful, dishonest, and ignorant while punishing those with decency, integrity, and good sense. It is behaviorism at its best. Only, we find ourselves upholding the undesirable and destroying the desirable.

I can’t say exactly what my response would have been to the person who damaged my car if they had come and found me. I hope it would have been a response of understanding and forgiveness. I hope the person would have offered or agreed to repair the damage. If not I hope I would have had the patience to accept what I cannot change. If any of this would have happened, my friend, Common Courtesy, may not have died, but would have lived to hopefully become a friend to others.

My hope is not lost, though. I believe we as a society have the ability to save and even resurrect Common Courtesy and his fellow virtues. As for me, I will do my part to treat others with the courtesy my departed friend would want me to. Maybe then it will inspire others to do the same. And maybe, if enough of us commit ourselves to the behavior that these virtues produce, we will resurrect them and ensure their long and happy existence among us. And peace on earth and goodwill among men would become a reality.

P.S. If the person who hit my car is reading this, I would still be greatly consoled by a simple “I’m sorry”. If you would like to help fix my car in some way, that would be nice. In any case, I will be content with the apology. I honestly hope, with all sincerity, that you have a Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year.